A man he sat upon a wicker chair
Reading through his morning news
Not that anything was important there
But it was the better thing he could choose.
What let this man into simplicity
Twas nothing more than a lack of calling
You see, he's lost all electricity
For all his life was slowly stalling.
His wife had left him, 12 years up in smoke,
The dog he cherished had followed her out
And as they left, she left him flat broke
Forbade him within a wallowing drought.
All she left him was a wicker basket
The house, by right belonged to him
So long he thought this was a casket
That life now became so dark and dim.
But months of pity grew rusty and old
And waking up one day, the man moved on
The house he lived he suddenly sold
And everything he held was quickly gone.
All he took was the basket he had
He dismantled it fully with the utmostcare
Upon finding a hill he sat so sad
As he transformed it into a chair.
"For too long I've lived in the shadow
But finally I can see at long last
And with a twitch of my will and my brow
The pain I've forgotten, it's all in the past!"
That chair it followed him to his new home
Where he set it up nice, quiet alone
Beside a nice table, decored with chrome
And resting behind it a decorative stone.
This chair so long was his prison
Now lives to be his sole salvation
From despair this new form has risen
With it a form of new inspiration.















Comments
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An interesting conversation with me and a friend.
Friend: I'm a Master debater and I'd love to get into politics.
Me:........ *refraining from laughing*
Friend:... okay... how about you?
Me:You've inspired me to be a critic!
I got the theme, and the imagery is very skillful (believe me I love the stuff) I find myself asking though, whether the third stanza is meant to be so stilted? It doesn't flow properly and I wondered whether it was deliberate?
There's something very crude about the way it's written, I've seen it in a lot of my early work too (and in a fair amount of all my work actually, I'm not brilliant and don't pretend to be) it makes it sound raw, which I tend to like but maybe in the context of this poem, restraint would sound better.
I like the idea of moving on but, it sounds extremely forced and I find that becomes a downfall in poetry, it can't sound contrived otherwise it doesn't work.
Just trying to be constructive though in readin this I sound like a complete know-it-all. Please forgive me!
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[link]
98% of Deviants cannot tell the difference between 'your' and 'you're'. If you're one of the 2% that wants to punch 'em on the nose, paste this into your sig.
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An interesting conversation with me and a friend.
Friend: I'm a Master debater and I'd love to get into politics.
Me:........ *refraining from laughing*
Friend:... okay... how about you?
Me:You've inspired me to be a critic!
The poem itself is quite cheerful, so the irregularity of that stanza seems intentionally out of place. I'm too used to sticking to a theme and a specific emotion (certain paces seem to fit different emotions). Sad seems to drag out, as if to clench the sympathy of the one reading. Cheery is to give that more... subtle quick thought of content times. At least, that's what I kept in mind writing it.
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An interesting conversation with me and a friend.
Friend: I'm a Master debater and I'd love to get into politics.
Me:........ *refraining from laughing*
Friend:... okay... how about you?
Me:You've inspired me to be a critic!
--
[link]
98% of Deviants cannot tell the difference between 'your' and 'you're'. If you're one of the 2% that wants to punch 'em on the nose, paste this into your sig.
I do hope to see more critique / criticism (take the good and the bad) on future pieces. It's nice to have creative input to get better.
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An interesting conversation with me and a friend.
Friend: I'm a Master debater and I'd love to get into politics.
Me:........ *refraining from laughing*
Friend:... okay... how about you?
Me:You've inspired me to be a critic!
But then considering the content, it does work. Just makes you have to read it again to work it out.
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[link]
98% of Deviants cannot tell the difference between 'your' and 'you're'. If you're one of the 2% that wants to punch 'em on the nose, paste this into your sig.
Certainly, none of us are brilliant at first pieces and I'd love to see improvement in your work; quite possibly one of the most satisfying things, to see progress.
I actually like how jumpy this was, it doesn't quite flow but it fits in really well with the ideas, themes and content. True about emotion, though I find learning to step outside of the scenario works very well in favour. Not very often I manage it, but it works very well when I can.
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[link]
98% of Deviants cannot tell the difference between 'your' and 'you're'. If you're one of the 2% that wants to punch 'em on the nose, paste this into your sig.
--
An interesting conversation with me and a friend.
Friend: I'm a Master debater and I'd love to get into politics.
Me:........ *refraining from laughing*
Friend:... okay... how about you?
Me:You've inspired me to be a critic!
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