More of a "my life" entry than an events of the world piece that I usually do.

I just don't feel right anymore. I'm fine personally, but I've lost faith in someone important to me. My brother has been on a very poor track lately. He gave up an addiction to marijuana a while back, but he's noticeably back into the habit. He's been arguing more with the family, he comes home stoned (he's moved back in with the family and I notice on my daily visits). He's gone until late hours of the night, and he hasn't actually "hung out" with me like we agreed from 2 months ago.

What really bothers me, is that we weren't just brothers, we were like best friends. We talked together all the time, we'd hang out. Now I feel anger towards him. His disregard for his own well being, his disrespect to everyone he cares about.

He was the tough kid growing up. Getting into fights at school, back to the wall as punishment, principal's office daily. I was always the one who kept his nose clean, bailing him out and tossing my neck out to spring him free. I worry for him. I think he feels I'm still going to bail him out of trouble these days. He's far off the mark. I think he fails to realize, that there are some forms of trouble only he can bail himself out of. Perhaps, this time, he's in too deep. I plan to confront him on the issue and make him make a choice.

I can't believe I've been keeping this in for over a month. Slowly it's eating away at me. With my mother so sick, my grandmother not doing much better.... then there's my own concerns. Why did those results... forget about it. My concerns are easily minimal to everything else around me. I've always been good at "toughing it out" but I think my strength for this is running thin. I may not want to admit it, but one Christine was right.... Toughing it out may clear the problems on the surface, but it doesn't clean the mess made deep down.

You know, I support the fight against racism and all, but I'm starting to feel like this fight is going out of context. I worked at a call center and it got bad. We are selling cell phones and all, and out of nowhere we are told "We can't call flip phones 'flip' phones anymore."

Supposedly agents in Manilla who marked our quality took offense to the term used to describe these phones as it was seen as a racial slur to the phillipine people. WTF? Now, if someone said something to the affect of relating the term to a philipine person.... okay I accept that. But come on. For my last week working there we had to call these phones "clam phones". All the while, we couldn't tell people it was because of the office in manilla. So, if you call a place calling a flip phone a clam phone, tell them to tell manilla to get up off their high horses and learn some english (only because they are checking quality of english agents) and to actually look up what a "flip phone" is. They might be shocked to realize, they have NOTHING to do with the philipines. I'm sorry if this seems rather, angry. I just think everything is going way too far in this racial war.

I find myself wondering if the words of comfort people are giving me are true. Will things really get better over time? Currently I find things are only getting harder.

I feel sick, depressed, empty, alone and heart broken. My eating habits are terrible and my sleep is almost non existent. Everytime I eat.... well lets not go there. Everytime I go to sleep, I have terrible nightmares.

In my moments of being awake, I swear I hear the sound of my rabbit drinking from his water bottle, even though it is no longer attached to his previous cage which I haven't the heart to part with yet. I swear so many times I see him, though sort of disfigured and sickly looking.

I think it is my mind tearing itself apart. I do believe in spirits to an extent, but I don't believe this is a spiritual encounter. It's more so my wishful thinking and my guilty mind feeling I could have done more for Pepe.

I'm thinking if I can't resolve my feelings by the end of the weekend.... I may seek some professional aid. Perhaps there is more deep psychological damage that I'm unable to detect myself that needs further attention.

My pet bunny, Pepe passed away today. He suffered several strokes. He fought but there was no chance. Half way through his strokes left him vegetated. He was more than a rabbit to me. He was like a child. I'm taking this loss very hard. It happened all of a sudden. No signs of poor health, loss of affection or appetite. I'm going to be a mess for a little while.....

I'm a little hurt right now. I feel great physically, like alive again, but I guess it's more emotional than physical.

Christine called today, and it wasn't a good call. She was worried because of some circumstance and wanted to make sure I was okay. I was distracted because here I am getting ready to jump in the shower and get ready to go out since I feel I can. I was supposed to hang out with my brother to get out for a bit. My grandma turned to me and said "Why did you tell Christine you and your brother were hanging out? He's working tonight."

My head tilted in confusion. We'd been planning to hang out for a week now, and he doesn't even call me to let me know there was a change. So here I am..... disappointed more than anything. It turns out, my brother was too busy partying it up for his friend's mother's birthday that he couldn't go into work this morning like he was supposed to and took someone else's later shift to avoid being hungover at work. In fact, it was the friend's mother stopping by today to talk to my grandma that told her she was dropping him off at work. My grandma figured I already knew. I didn't.

More than anything, I'm disappointed that my brother would leave me hanging. I'd have been fine with not hanging out, even without substituting another day for it. As of yet, he still has to tell me.